Tools and there uses

[Suzukidave]

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light . Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh--!'

SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

SON-OF-A-BITCH TOOL: (A personal favorite!!) Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a BITCH!' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.


Hope you found this informative.

[jkevinlilly]

Has somebody been watching me while I was working?

Kevin

[Digger]

I would think now is a good time to share my translations of Haynes Manual terminology :

Haynes: Rotate anticlockwise.
Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with a hammer anticlockwise.

Haynes: This is a snug fit.
Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with a hammer.

Haynes: This is a tight fit.
Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with a hammer.

Haynes: As described in Chapter 7...
Translation: That'll teach you not to read through before you start. Now you are looking at scary photos of the inside of a gearbox.

Haynes: Pry...
Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into...

Haynes: Undo...
Translation: Go buy a tin of WD40 (giant economy size).

Haynes: Retain tiny spring...
Translation: PINGGGG - "Where the hell did that go?"

Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb...
Translation: OK - that's the glass bit off, now fetch some good pliers to dig out the bayonet part (and maybe a plaster or two).

Haynes: Lightly...
Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your forehead are throbbing then clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer.

Haynes: Weekly checks...
Translation: If it isn't broken don't fix it.

Haynes: Routine maintenance...
Translation: If it isn't broken, it's about to be. Be warned.

Haynes: One spanner rating.
Translation: An infant could do this... so how did you manage to f*** it up?

Haynes: Two-spanner rating.
Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a low, teensy weensy number... but you also thought the wiring diagram was a map of the Tokyo underground (in fact that would have been more use to you).

Haynes: Three-spanner rating.
Translation: Make sure you won't need your bike for a couple of days.

Haynes: Four-spanner rating.
Translation: You're not seriously considering this are you?

Haynes: Five-spanner rating.
Translation: OK - but don't ever carry your loved ones on it again.

Haynes: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this...
Translation: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

Haynes: Compress...
Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on it, throw it at the garage wall, then clamp with molegrips and beat repeatedly with a hammer...

Haynes: Inspect...
Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife "Yep, as I thought, it's going to need a new one"

Haynes: Carefully...
Translation: You are about to suffer deep abrasions.

Haynes: Retaining nut...
Translation: Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust.

Haynes: Get an assistant...
Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know.

Haynes: Turning the engine will be easier with the spark plugs removed.
Translation: However, starting the engine afterwards will be much harder.
Once that sinking pit of your stomach feeling has subsided, you can start to feel deeply ashamed as you gingerly refit the spark plugs.

Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal.
Translation: Yeah, right. But you swear in different places.

Haynes: Prise away plastic locating pegs...
Translation: Snap off...

Haynes: Using a suitable drift...
Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with a hammer.

Haynes: Everyday toolkit
Translation: RAC Card & Mobile Phone

Haynes: Apply moderate heat...
Translation: Unless you have a blast furnace, don't bother.
Alternatively, clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with a hammer.

Haynes: Index
Translation: List of all the things in the book, except what you need to do

[Suzukidave]

Dang .. those had me laughing ( at myself .. been there done that )

[oldjapanesebikes]

Dang .. those had me laughing ( at myself .. been there done that )

To quote a line from the "Frog and Peach" routine - "I have learned from my mistakes, and I'm sure that I can repeat them exactly" !

[two-stroke-brit]

you left out .
plan B: OFFHAND GRINDER.(the bodgers tool of last resort.)

[jkevinlilly]

What is a "molegrip" ??? Sorry, I am from WV-USA, never heard of one.

Kevin

[Suzukidave]

What is a "molegrip" ??? Sorry, I am from WV-USA, never heard of one.

Kevin

I am thinking " vice grips "

[oldjapanesebikes]

What is a "molegrip" ??? Sorry, I am from WV-USA, never heard of one.

Kevin

I am thinking " vice grips "

Correct. Just two different brand names for the same (or similar) type of tool - generally you find the mole grip brand in Europe and elsewhere, and the vise grip brand in the Americas.

[Joiseygirl]

Very informative, thanks for posting!
These had me rolling with laughter!

[johnakay]

What is a "molegrip" ??? Sorry, I am from WV-USA, never heard of one.

Kevin

[Suzukidave]

Now i can see the idea behind the "Vice Grip " logo as they fasten like a vice clamping 2 objects together or onto something but i dont really follow the idea behind " Mole Grip " or is Mole a clamping term ?

[tz375]

Dave,

MOLE is the manufacturer or brand name. Stanley bought the name or the company some years ago.

http://www.stanleyworks.co.uk/category/147531" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;

[Suzukidave]

thanx Richard .. that explains it

[GT500Andy]

In the Netherlands they call these sort of tools “murderers” you can kill anything with them
Andy