Suzuki 2 Strokes

Might be of use to folks - and not really jokes either!!

Haynes/Clymer: Rotate anticlockwise.
Translation: Clamp with vice grips then beat repeatedly with hammer anticlockwise.

Haynes/Clymer: This is a snug fit.
Translation: You will skin your knuckles!

Haynes/Clymer: This is a tight fit.
Translation: Not a hope in hell matey!

Haynes/Clymer: As described in Chapter 7...
Translation: That'll teach you not to read through before you start, now you are looking at scary photos of the inside of a gearbox.

Haynes/Clymer: Pry...
Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into...

Haynes/Clymer: Undo...
Translation: Go buy a tin of WD40 (catering size).

Haynes/Clymer: Retain tiny spring...
Translation: "Jeez what was that, it nearly had my eye out"!

Haynes/Clymer: Press and rotate to remove bulb...
Translation: OK - that's the glass bit off, now fetch some good pliers to dig out the bayonet part.

Haynes/Clymer: Lightly...
Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your forehead are throbbing them re-check the manual because this can not be 'lightly' what you are doing now.

Haynes/Clymer: Weekly checks...
Translation: If it isn't broken don't fix it!

Haynes/Clymer: Routine maintenance...
Translation: If it isn't broken... it's about to be!

Haynes/Clymer: One spanner rating.
Translation: Your Mum could do this... so how did you manage to botch it up?

Haynes/Clymer: Two spanner rating.
Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a low, tiny, 'ikkle number... but you also thought the wiring diagram was a map the Tokyo underground (in fact that would have been more use to you).

Haynes/Clymer: Three spanner rating.
Translation: But Nova's are easy to maintain right... right? So you think three Nova spanners has got to be like a 'regular car' two spanner job.

Haynes/Clymer: Four spanner rating.
Translation: You are seriously considering this aren't you, you nutcase!

Haynes/Clymer: Five spanner rating.
Translation: OK - but don't expect us to ride in it afterwards!!!

Haynes/Clymer: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this...
Translation: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!

Haynes/Clymer: Compress...
Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on, swear at, throw at the garage wall, then search in the dark corner of the garage for whilst muttering "bugger" repeatedly under your breath.

Haynes/Clymer: Inspect...
Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife "Yep, as I thought, it's going to need a new one"!

Haynes/Clymer: Carefully...
Translation: You are about to cut yourself!

Haynes/Clymer: Retaining nut...
Translation: Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust.

Haynes/Clymer: Get an assistant...
Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you
know.

Haynes/Clymer: Turning the engine will be easier with the spark plugs removed.
Translation: However, starting the engine afterwards will be much harder. Once that sinking pit of your stomach feeling has subsided, you can start to feel deeply ashamed as you gingerly refit the spark plugs.

Haynes/Clymer: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal.
Translation: But you swear in different places.

Haynes/Clymer: Prise away plastic locating pegs...
Translation: Snap off...

Haynes/Clymer: Using a suitable drift...
Translation: The biggest nail in your tool box isn't a suitable drift!

Haynes/Clymer: Everyday toolkit
Translation: Ensure you have an RAC/AA Card & Mobile Phone

Haynes/Clymer: Apply moderate heat...
Translation: Placing your mouth near it and huffing isn't moderate heat.

Haynes/Clymer: Index
Translation: List of all the things in the book bar the thing you want to do!

For Added Haynes/Clymer Fun: Go to the first section, Safety First, and read the bit about hydrofluoric Acid - do you really want the advice of a book that uses this form of understatement???!!?

Now look at the lovely colour section on body repairs - as you look at these two pages say to yourself over and over until it sinks in "mine will never look like that..."
Flick to the end and look at the colour plug pictures, how do these compare to the glow plugs in your bike? If you cannot locate the plugs in your bike see the last translation on the list!

Haynes/Clymer Manuals are the (c)opyright of a very disturbed sadist

Finally stopped laughing long enough to type this - way too true !!!

Alan, great fun, spot on also. I particularly enjoyed 'reassembly is the reverse if removal'. Based on the way I occasionally extract decades long stuck parts, I hardly think so! Mike

I've come across that word "suitable" too many times in manuals. Its waaaay to vague to have any sensible meaning.
Once having to remove the lower A arm bushings from an off road truck, they stated in a repair manual to use a "suitable tool" to remove them.
This so called suitable tool ended up being a bushing press I had to construct from scratch consisting of specific pieces of pipe, hardened 12mm steel bolts, thick spacer/washers and some 12mm hardened nuts.
These steel cased bushings were about two inches in diameter and about three inches long and attached to the chassis lower cross members, so all of the work had to be done above your head.
If you think the little ones on the Buffalo exhaust hangers are tough try some bigger ones such as these I just described.

Thought I'd resurrect this one....